You Are Radiant

Many years ago, I dated a man who was verbally abusive. He never hit me physically, but he knew exactly how to lash out at me with his words and how to slice my heart with his silence. I finally left him when I decided I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with him. (Side note: This was before I was walking with God, so I was unaware that God was with me.)

Unfortunately, something in me had been damaged by his words and through that relationship. I left, but I was scarred in my heart and in my spirit, and those scars left me feeling ugly. Beyond ugly. Repulsive. And I didn’t know if I could ever let anyone get close to me because they would see that ugliness and run the other way.

So I worked at hiding it, burying it under a “I’m fine” mentality and keeping people at arm’s length. It worked. I smiled a lot. I managed it all very well.

Until I met this wonderful man (now my husband of nearly eighteen years), and I wanted to let him in, past the barricade I’d constructed. Only, I was afraid he would see that ugliness seeping out and would turn and walk away. I teetered back and forth, uncertain what to do, until finally (thankfully!) I let him in.

I am here today, looking over my shoulder at the past, and remembering that trial. That difficult season. That unbearable feeling of not being worthy or good enough. Of being ugly. I was terrified of being caught, of being discovered that I was ugly underneath it all, and that I wasn’t really anything special at all; just an ugly blemish hanging out in the world.

God brought this all back to me today, some twenty years later while I scrambled eggs for lunch. I’m not exactly sure why, but He knows why and He was very clear in saying:

Ugliness is a lie.

You. Me. We are NOT ugly. All that the word “ugly” involves: the feelings of not being good enough, of being way down at the bottom of some ridiculous ranking system, that we’re stupid, a waste of space, unimportant, unlovable, insignificant etc. Those are all lies.

The truth is, we have great value. Remember what Jesus did for us, for YOU. You are unique and lovely and beautiful. And you are simply wonderful because God made you that way. Period.

No, you’re not perfect nor do you have to be. (Whew! What a relief.) But you are perfectly loved by the One Who is love.

If you are going through a similar and painful season right now, let me tell you: God sees you. He was there with you when the words someone spoke to you damaged you. And He sees how you’ve tried to bury them and how they keep surfacing like pond scum; that’s just what those hurtful words are – pond scum.

Get rid of them. Scrape them off and fling them aside. And as you step over that muck and walk away, lift your head high and praise God as His light shines upon you.

You are a beautiful and radiant child of God Almighty. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:14 NASB.)

“Those who look to him [the Lord] are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” (Psalm 34:5 NIV.)

A New Year and a New Road

I’ve got a problem. I live in the past too much.

There’s nothing wrong with turning around and looking back.  It’s like using the rearview mirror when you’re driving.  You need to look back to see what’s going on for safety reasons, just like it’s important to look back at your past to learn from your mistakes, to protect yourself from making the same blunders.

But what if you’re actually staring back, your eyes fixed or glued on all you’ve done wrong and you keep reliving your mistakes over and over again?  It can be just as detrimental as driving while fixating on the view behind you.  You’d miss your turn, swerve into a ditch, or possibly rear-end the vehicle ahead of you.  Having your eyes glued to the rearview mirror is like living in the past.  It’s a dangerous way to live.

Are you reliving some of your relationships from your past, how great they were and how things have drifted so far?   But the sad truth is those people you remember so fondly don’t even know who you are anymore.  And really, you don’t know them either.  The whole thing can leave your heart aching for the past or harden it because the drifting has made you angry and you refuse to let something like that happen again.

Eventually, you start to drive faster to escape it all but you still keep looking back and you miss what’s right there in front of you, some wonderful blessing God has for you.

I went to God with all of this.  Like I said, I’ve got a problem with living in the past.  I remember things, people, and I ache for the way things used to be sometimes.  Do you know what God told me? Look for Me back there.

Really?  Why didn’t I think of that?  I started looking back specifically to search for God.  And He was there.  He was there when I was so depressed during junior high school, when I would sit on the top of this huge hill in our back yard and cry.  He had His arm around me.

He was there when I went off to college and thought drinking was a huge part of being there.  He was there protecting me, leading me back to my dorm room every time.

He was there when I was smiling at graduation, the sun skimming the top of the building and landing on my face.   His hands were warm on my cheeks as He kissed me on the forehead, only I didn’t know it was Him at that moment.  But I know now.

God was there when I met my husband, making my heart swell, and He was there in the hospital room when our daughter was born and she cried, strong and loud.  And again, He was with me in a hospital room years later when my Mom had a massive stroke, and again when my Dad had complications after quadruple bypass. He held me tighter than ever on those days, listening to my prayers, my tears, as I begged Him to help them.  And He did.  And He held me so gently, warmly when I stood at my Grandpa’s funeral in December years ago, and again in the warmer Missouri air at my Grandma’s gravesite in April.

So all the moments in my past when I really needed someone, God was there.  And yet, I see Him there by my side the countless times I’ve washed dishes or folded laundry, when I got up in the middle of the night all those times to give our daughter medicine, and every morning when I fixed coffee.  He’s always there when I look back, at every memory.

But I can’t live back there because the bad finds a way of mixing in with the good, and that’s where the pain can take hold and sprout into something ugly and harmful.  It’s time to take hold of those memories I have of God and all the good, the lasting relationships He’s brought into my life, and bring them with me as I look forward; like snapshots I can tape to the dashboard.

A new year is coming and I love the idea of new; a clean slate, endless possibilities on the horizon as I drive forward on this new road.  I can still glance back and remember the lessons I’ve learned from my mistakes, but it’s time to let my failures go, leave them in the dust, let them fade.

I’ve asked God to forgive me for all those things I’ve messed up and He has.  So now it’s time to drive, to put the windows down and feel the freedom rush over me.  No more regrets.  No more guilt.  No more shame.  Now it’s just the touch of God on my heart as He tells me which way to go.

And with His direction, my friends, we won’t miss our turn.

“But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 3:13b-14 NIV.)

 

 

 

A New Year and a New Road

I’ve got a problem. I live in the past too much.

There’s nothing wrong with turning around and looking back.  It’s like using the rearview mirror when you’re driving.  You need to look back to see what’s going on for safety reasons, just like it’s important to look back at your past to learn from your mistakes, to protect yourself from making the same blunders.

But what if you’re actually staring back, your eyes fixed or glued on all you’ve done wrong and you keep reliving your mistakes over and over again?  It can be just as detrimental as driving while fixating on the view behind you.  You’d miss your turn, swerve into a ditch, or possibly rear-end the vehicle ahead of you.  Having your eyes glued to the rearview mirror is like living in the past.  It’s a dangerous way to live.

Are you reliving some of your relationships from your past, how great they were and how things have drifted so far?   But the sad truth is those people you remember so fondly don’t even know who you are anymore.  And really, you don’t know them either.  The whole thing can leave your heart aching for the past or harden it because the drifting has made you angry and you refuse to let something like that happen again.

Eventually, you start to drive faster to escape it all but you still keep looking back and you miss what’s right there in front of you, some wonderful blessing God has for you.

I went to God with all of this.  Like I said, I’ve got a problem with living in the past.  I remember things, people, and I ache for the way things used to be sometimes.  Do you know what God told me? Look for Me back there.

Really?  Why didn’t I think of that?  I started looking back specifically to search for God.  And He was there.  He was there when I was so depressed during junior high school, when I would sit on the top of this huge hill in our back yard and cry.  He had His arm around me.

He was there when I went off to college and thought drinking was a huge part of being there.  He was there protecting me, leading me back to my dorm room every time.

He was there when I was smiling at graduation, the sun skimming the top of the building and landing on my face.   His hands were warm on my cheeks as He kissed me on the forehead, only I didn’t know it was Him at that moment.  But I know now.

God was there when I met my husband, making my heart swell, and He was there in the hospital room when our daughter was born and she cried, strong and loud.  And again, He was with me in a hospital room years later when my Mom had a massive stroke, and again when my Dad had complications after quadruple bypass. He held me tighter than ever on those days, listening to my prayers, my tears, as I begged Him to help them.  And He did.  And He held me so gently, warmly when I stood at my Grandpa’s funeral in December years ago, and again in the warmer Missouri air at my Grandma’s gravesite in April.

So all the moments in my past when I really needed someone, God was there.  And yet, I see Him there by my side the countless times I’ve washed dishes or folded laundry, when I got up in the middle of the night all those times to give our daughter medicine, and every morning when I fixed coffee.  He’s always there when I look back, at every memory.

But I can’t live back there because the bad finds a way of mixing in with the good, and that’s where the pain can take hold and sprout into something ugly and harmful.  It’s time to take hold of those memories I have of God and all the good, the lasting relationships He’s brought into my life, and bring them with me as I look forward; like snapshots I can tape to the dashboard.

A new year is coming and I love the idea of new; a clean slate, endless possibilities on the horizon as I drive forward on this new road.  I can still glance back and remember the lessons I’ve learned from my mistakes, but it’s time to let my failures go, leave them in the dust, let them fade.

I’ve asked God to forgive me for all those things I’ve messed up and He has.  So now it’s time to drive, to put the windows down and feel the freedom rush over me.  No more regrets.  No more guilt.  No more shame.  Now it’s just the touch of God on my heart as He tells me which way to go.

And with His direction, my friends, we won’t miss our turn.

“But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 3:13b-14 NIV.)

 

 

The Grip

Grip.  That’s the word God whispered to me yesterday.  And since that moment I’ve been asking Him to make it clear because there are so many ways to look at it.

I thought about all the times I went on roller coasters and my knuckles were white and bulging because I had a death grip on the bar just in case the seat belt gave out.  I remember the tight grasp I had on my daughter’s hand every time we crossed a busy street when she was little.  And I remember the strong hold of my husband’s hand when he grabbed onto my own to help me across the rocky terrain of a gushing river.  There are so many ways we grip onto something or someone, but I don’t believe that’s the “grip” God was pointing to.

The idea here is not about what we grip onto, but what grips us.

So let me ask: What has a grip on you?  Something harmful like an addiction or fear?  What are you allowing to dig, claw, and tear its way into your life, into your thoughts?  What’s stealing your time and health because it’s got a death grip on you and it’s all you can think about so you lose minutes or hours of your life or even sleep as it torments you?  What’s killing your smile because you’re allowing it to hang around, to taunt you and remind you of some shame, guilt, or past failure? Do you sense you’re on the verge of some sort of destruction, a break-down of sorts; mental, physical, or spiritual?

As you may or may not know there is a thief who wants to get his claws into you and steal your life away:  Satan.  You have to realize he’s not the little red guy with a pitch fork you’ve seen on cartoons but a very real, very evil being who wants to trick you into walking right into your own destruction.  And he’s going to make you miserable so you’ll hurry along to get there.

You see, God has a purpose for you.  There’s a reason you’re here, and Satan is afraid you’re going to go to God and ask Him.  Satan’s doesn’t want you to know how important you are and how much God loves you. The enemy would rather you wander around lost and confused and feeling alone, so he can get a tight grip on your mind; prying into it and filling it with his lies.  That makes you an easy target.  And then he’s got you.

But you can stop Satan’s tight grasp from cutting off your circulation, keeping you numb or oblivious to what he’s doing.  Ask God to help you; He would love to free you from Satan’s clutches.

With God, He doesn’t want to grip you painfully in some way, to control you and walk you around on a string like some puppet.  Rather, He wants to hold you.  He wants you to know you don’t have to do it all on your own.  He’s with you.

And as your loving Father, God longs for that moment when you slip your hand into His as His little child.  All you need to do then is stay close to Him and hold on tight as He leads you to the full life He has for you.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10 NIV.)